Why does it cost so much?

How are you?  Are you over the sticker shock in my last post?  Do you need to sit down, have a drink? I have some sweet tea. It will be ok, I promise!

When we started our adoption journey we knew it would cost a lot.  But we didn't know an exact amount.  After our first interest meeting we had the final cost.  At the time we didn't have to full amount but we were trusting the Lord would provide.  And he did!  I think every adoptive family has had this experience.  Part of the miracle of adoption is watching the Lord provide every detail and every dollar.

So why, oh why does it cost so much?  Let's break it down.

International Adoption - $20,000 to $45,000

Cost varies depending on which agency or lawyer you use.  It will also depend on which county you adopt from.  Travel and hotel cost in a foreign county play a big part in the cost too.  Most of the time you will need to spend a week to three weeks in the foreign county.  Some times you have to make two or three trips to the county.  Those costs can add up quickly.  But what else does your money go towards?  Often adoption agencies will have a staff member who lives in that country to help facilitate the adoption.  If a staff member doesn't live in the country then there are travel costs for staff to go back and forth.  There are visas, passports, immigration paper, etc. to pay for.  In addition each country sets their own fees, so that is why you can get a wide range.  The good news is that there are many grants and loans for international adoption.  I am not an expert on this at all.  So if you have more info about the costs of international adoption, please leave a comment and help us all learn!

Infant Domestic Adoption - $15,000 to $30,000

I can only speak from our experience with Bethany Christian Services, but I think in general most of this would apply to any adoption agency.  Our fees went to pay for the following three areas: 1) Staff and general fees 2) Birth mom support 3) Adoptive family support.  So let's break this one down too and talk about what the fees cover.

Staff and General fees

rent for office space

salaries for the social workers - in Arkansas Bethany has five staff members

travel expense for staff
training and continuing education for staff

Birth mom support
safe housing for a birth mom if she needs it

food, clothing, phone, etc for a birth mom if she needs it
medical care during her pregnancy
labor and delivery costs - often birth moms qualify for medicare

support and counseling for birth moms - before and after placement

meals or coffee when birth moms and social workers meet

retreats or conferences for birth moms

Adoptive family support
books, online training, support and counseling for adoptive families

postage for letters and packages sent between adoptive families and birth moms for a child's lifetime

subscription to Life Lines magazine for adoptive families

meals, coffee, etc when meeting with families
counseling for parents or children as issues come up over time

Just a reminder that babies are not always born during 9 am and 5 pm Monday - Friday.  The social workers are "on call" 24-7.  I can speak from our experience that our social workers were willing to give up sleep and be away from their families in order to help facilitate our adoptions.  They are willing to take a call from a birth mom at any time!


State Adoption - FREE
In Arkansas if you adopt thru the state it is free.  I was told there was a small fee, like $25 for a CPR card.  But you get the point!  FREE  This is a great option for many families.  Why are state adoptions free?  Because the children in the foster care system are "wards of the state".  This means the state government is responsible for their care and that costs money.  It is in the interest of the state to place these children in loving, stable homes, who will care for them and provide for them financially.  The issue of foster care and adoption thru the state is a huge, messy, complicated issue.  I NOT an expert at all on this issue and there are families who could tell you so much more about this than I ever could.

I would love to hear from adoptive families about this topic.  Did I forget anything or get something wrong?  Let me know.

Do you have questions? What do you want to know more about?  Let's all learn together!

Momma said never ask these three questions

My mamma taught me to never ask these three questions:
1) How old are you?
2) How much to you weigh?
3) How much money do you make?

My mamma is a very wise woman!  She taught me to be a polite, southern woman.

But....something happens when you see a baby/child.  Everything your mamma taught you seems to fly out the window.  People start asking inappropriate questions and make inappropriate comments.  It seems to happen a lot more often or be more offensive when it comes to adoption.  (I know pregnant women get more than their fair share of awkward moments!)

As adoptive parents we get defensive, we get angry, we get mad.  Sorry about that.  We can be very, very, very mamma bear about our kids.  We want to educate our friends and family.  We would love to talk with you about the adoption process.  We want you to be on our side.

There is somewhat of a mystery about adoption.  It is not how every family is created and grown.  I want to help answer questions and remove some of this mystery.

So I am going to disobey my mamma and talk about money.... shhhhh.... don't tell her.

I am often asked how much our adoption cost.  Some times I answer this question, some times I don't.  It depends on who is asking, where the conversation is happening, and the general tone of the conversation.  Because this is a public blog I am going to just talk in broad terms.  So you aren't going to get the nitty gritty of our finances, sorry!

International Adoptions - approximately $20,000 to $45,000

Infant Domestic Adoptions - approximately $15,000 to $30,000

State Adoptions - FREE

GULP!  Are you suprised?  Are you shocked?  Most people are.  So, after people hear these amounts the next question is: Why does it cost so much?  I hope to answer that question in my next post.

What questions do you have?  What do you want to know about adoption?  If you ask it, I will do my best to answer.

It has been a long, long time

Our blog has been silent for a long time.  There are many reasons for that.... but the biggest might be that we have been raising a tiny human for the past 13 months.  My last post was just after we had our failed adoption with Jack.  To make a LONG story short.  Four months later we became parents to an amazing little guy named Ben.  We got swept up in newborn things - eat, sleep, poop - repeat!  Ok so Ben didn't do much of the sleep thing.....

But my heart and head have been working and growing for the past year.  I have learned so much and for a long time I thought no one would care to hear about it.  But two things happened.  First, someone shared with me that their church had an Orphan Sunday.  This person had never heard some of the facts about orphans overseas and here at home.  This person asked me, "What is foster care and what is a foster home"?  I about fell out of my chair.  After I recovered from my shock I realized if this person didn't "get it" then there are lots of people who don't!  Secondly, I ran into a friend the other day.  This is not someone I see often, if fact it has been 3 maybe 4 years, but I keep up with her online.  She encouraged me to blog again.  She helped me see that I have a voice and I have a story.  After our failed adoption one of the hardest things was no one we knew had experienced this.  I finally found a blog where a mom shared her thoughts and feeling about their failed adoption.  I finally had a connection!

So, here I go.  I am jumping back into this crazy world.  I am not that great at punctuation and spelling and I know that I have run on sentences and I end with prepositions.  But, can we just overlook all that and maybe we can all learn something, grow a little and love a little deeper.

The next chapter in our story

Three weeks ago our son, Jack, was born. We were blessed to be able to spend some precious time with him over two days. Hours before we were to bring him home the birth mom changed her mind and chose to keep him. We are so thankful for our family and friends who have shown their love and support to us. We will continue on our journey towards adoption, but now we are grieving the loss of our son. We are trusting the Lord has a plan in all of this.

Adoption 101: A Vocabulary Lesson

One of the big challenges we have faced in the adoption process is misinformation, myths, and general lack of knowledge about adoption.  We have tried to help educate and correct the misinformation as we have come across it.  I personally have not always handled these conversations with kindness and grace and I am very sorry for that.  I am working hard to keep the emotions in check and share with a gentle spirit. 

So, in an effort to help our friends and family understand more about this process I going to do some Adoption 101 posts.  First, let me say that I am NOT an expert.  We have only been on this journey for a year and there others out there with so much more experience and knowledge.  Second, let me say that everything is filtered by our personal experiences.

I want to start with a vocabulary lesson.  Do you remember the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  Well it is a lie!  Words can hurt.  Words can wound.  Words can leave deep, lasting scars.  Words can also heal, sooth, bring peace, and give comfort.  There are many words associated with adoption that are now outdated.  These “old” words and phrases could now hurt and cause pain to adoptive families.  I read a great article in Lifelines (a magazine for adoptive parents) that shared a list of outdated words.  Here are some that really hit home with me.

Rather than saying…..                           We suggest……

Real parents                                         Birthparents, Birthmother, or Birthfather

Natural parents                         Biological parent(s)

Unwed mother                                      Single parent

Unwanted pregnancy                            Unplanned or unintended pregnancy

Put up for adoption                               Make and adoption plan

Give up for adoption                             Choose adoption

Keep a child                                         Parent a child

Real child                                             Birthchild or Biological child

Foreign adoptions                                 International adoption

Find parents                                         Search for birthparents

Your words have meaning a value to them.  What words you choose to say will show how supportive you are or are not of adoption.  If you have used some of these outdated words/phrases, don’t feel bad.  We understand that there is a huge lack of education about this subject.  But if you are kindly and gently corrected, please be respectful to the adoptive family who is making the correction.  Choose to use words that heal, sooth, bring peace and give comfort.

Lessons that I have learned:

I would like to try to end each post with a lesson that I have learned.  I know that my posts will start to sound like a huge pity party and I want to try to keep those feelings in check.  Sharing what lessons I have learned will hopefully keep me humble and attempt to keep things in perspective.

My words can hurt or heal others.  I have a broken heart as I realize how many times my words must have hurt someone.  I have become more aware of what words I choose and what tone of voice I say them in.  I pray for forgiveness from those that I have hurt and I pray for wisdom and guidance to not hurt others.  My prayer is that I always be willing to learn from my mistakes and be open to correction.

Ephesians 4:32 (The Message)

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

Just waiting.....

I have been so encouraged over the past few days by the kind words that so many of you have shared with us.  It means more that I could express to hear that people are praying for us and are "in our corner".  


Several of you have said how excited you are to hear the next part of our story.  So I just wanted to give a quick update about our current status, which is ----- waiting -----.  We have not been picked by a birth mother and we do not have a baby yet.  Believe me, when that happens you will hear me shouting for joy and telling everyone!  


As of today we have had six birth mothers look at our profile book.  We are left with a lot of questions about why no one has picked us yet.  There is a huge battle in my mind and the devil is really good at twisting things and using them to attack me.  Each time a birth mother is going to look at our book we are filled with hope and anticipation.  Then when we are not picked we are let down and feel rejected.  It is terrible roller coaster of emotions and to be honest I am ready to get off this ride!


It was especially hard to hear that number five and six didn't pick us.  We learned about these birth mothers on the same day.  This is a pretty rare thing to have two birth mothers on the same day, so far we have been averaging one birth mother opportunity a month.  So when we got the news that neither of them had picked us, it was really discouraging.  (If you don't understand about how we hear about a birth mother, don't worry.  I plan on doing a post later on about how that all works.)


A sweet friend reminded me again to day to trust the Lord and his timing.  And our pastor has been reminding us for the past several weeks that, "when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart".  This verse has been such a comfort.  I don't understand why we have not been chosen yet, but God does.  I do understand and trust that He has a plan.  And for now that is what I will cling to.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,” 
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Our Adoption Story: Chapter 2

The next part of our story is a happy chapter!  Brett and I filled out the first form for Bethany Christian Services and we were invited to the quarterly information meeting.  It really was a blessing from God that we turned in this paper work when we did.  The meeting was just three days away!  If we had waited one more week we would have had to wait another three months till the next info meeting.

The info meeting gave us so much to think about and process, but it didn't slow us down.  We requested the big packet of paperwork from Bethany and we were officially stated with the adoption process!  We couldn't wait to start telling family and friends.

There was such joy and happiness.  We felt so confident in this decision and had such clear direction from the Lord.  We felt that we would be picked by a birth mother quickly and move on to being parents.  We just knew that those in our life would feel the same way and we would blissfully walk down this path.

I can imagine this period of time would be a lot like when a couple finds out they are pregnant but haven't told family or friends.  They are giddy with excitement and share this special secret.

Chapter 2 was a pretty short chapter.  As soon as we started sharing with family and friends about our plans we were meet with resistance.  We quickly moved into Chapter 3 which is not a very happy chapter.  It is filled with questions, waiting, anger, more questions, and tough conversations.  I feel that we are still currently in Chapter 3.  My hope is to share in as much detail as possible what this part of the journey looks like for us.

I have three goals is sharing:
1) Help me process my thoughts and feelings.
2) Help friends and family understand more about infertility and adoption and in the process.
3) Encourage other families who are walking down this path or will some day walk this path.

I am sure that as I share it will sound like one big pity party.  It is certainly not going to be very pretty.  But I want to make one thing clear - God is the one who is writing this story!  There is sadness and hurt in this story, but we know there will be joy and happiness too.  This process is not just about us expanding our family and adopting a child.  This process is all about us becoming more Christ-like.  Our faith has been tested and has grown so much.  When God needs to clear out some of the bad stuff in your life to make room for the good stuff, it is not easy!

How did we get here?

Some days I stop and think how in the world did we get here?  So many times we have heard, “God will write your adoption story.”  We don’t know how our story will end, but we can already see how God is the Author who is writing this story.

But I want to share “Chapter One” and talk about how this crazy adventure began.  There are several reasons for wanting to share.  First, I think that it is important to remember this part of the journey (even if it is a hard to share).  Second, I read a lot of stories, blogs, Facebook posts, etc about adoption and infertility.  Reading other people’s stories helped me understand what was going on and really helped Brett and I make our decision to adopt.  I pray that some one might read this part of my story and it will bless them.

*****Disclaimer******* This is a public blog.  There is a need to use caution in what details I share.  So forgive me for not giving every tiny detail.  If you have questions, I am happy to talk over email or some other private communication.

So…… it starts in high school.  I had some female issues, but didn’t think much about it.  These issues were kinda off and on and nothing really major.  It continued thru college and the issues increased some, but not enough to really alarm me.

In grad school the issues became enough of a problem that I needed to see a Doctor. At that time the Doctor was able to address my issues and helped to regulate things.  He also told me that it was very likely that I would have trouble getting pregnant.  I understood this, but I didn’t really effect my life and the time.  I wasn’t married or engaged or even dating any one at the time.  My doctor is a wonderful, Christian man.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, “ I have quit telling people the can or can not get pregnant.  God is in control of that and He can do anything He wants to.”

Brett and I start dating and we can see that things are getting serious.  I share with him about this part of my life.  I want him to know that there was a chance that I could not get pregnant.  I also wanted to know if he would be open to adoption.  My heart was already open to adoption.  In fact, I have had a place in my heart for adoption for as long as I can remember (but that is another post).  Brett thought and prayed about it and he was ok with adoption and our relationship moved forward.

After about two years of marriage we decided to start trying.  I was very eager to start because I knew there might be issues.  I was expecting most of my issues to be physical, so I was in for surprise when my emotions and moods went crazy too.  Again, because this is a public blog, I don’t feel comfortable sharing all the details about this time in my life.  But the short version is that things were not right physically and emotionally.  I went back to my doctor to try to find out what was going on.

My doctor was so patience to listen to me.  We talked thru the issues and what some of the options were.  We choose to use something to help level out my mood swings.  There are risks involved with this and Brett and I were both aware of this.  After about two months I could tell my mood swings were not so bad, but I just didn’t feel like myself.  Also, things were continuing to get worse with the physical stuff.  There are all kinds of books, web sites, and apps to help you track things to increase your chances of getting pregnant.  We had been doing this and we could tell things were not right.

So after 1 year of trying we went back to my Doctor.  He looked at my charts and tracking data.  We did some tests and talked with him about all the options.  Brett and I had already been talking about fertility treatments.  During this time I had been doing a lot of research and reading other people’s stories.  We never felt a peace about fertility treatments.  There is a list of reasons why WE didn’t choose fertility treatments, this is what we felt was best for us.  If you are struggling with this issue I encourage you to learn as much as you can and pray for wisdom.  We know plenty of people who have chosen fertility treatments and have a child as a result.  Again, if you want to talk with me more about this I would love to!

OK, all that to say the Doctor laid out all the facts and we chose to not pursue fertility treatments and the next day we filled out the first form with Bethany Christian Services.  This is Chapter 1 of our adoption story.

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day.  Brett and I are so thankful for our wonderful mothers and grandmothers.  We are blessed to be celebrating with them this weekend.

However....  mother's day can be a hard day for a lot of people.  If you mother has passed away or is sick it can be hard.  If you have lost a relationship with your mother or if you relationship is tense it can be hard.  If you have lost a child, had a miscarriage, or are dealing with infertility, it can be hard.  If you are adopted or are a birth mother it can be hard.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but I just wanted to acknowledge that in the middle of celebrating there can be hurt.  So if you or someone you know might be having a hard time today, please know that I care.  I am praying for you and hope that the Lord's comfort will surround you.

Happy Birth Mother's Day

Today is birth mother's day.  It is always the day before mother's day.  I am so happy to add this special day to our family's traditions.  We have not been matched with a birth mother yet, but I already feel a strong connection to her.  I pray for our birth mother every day.  I have a deep respect and love for this woman.  She will always be a part of our family's life.

I encourage you to take a moment today and pray for all birth mothers.  They are strong women who have made a huge sacrifice for their children.  Pray that God will comfort them this weekend.  Their child will be on their mind all weekend long.

Long Time with no update

It has been over a month with out an update here on the blog.  Life just got busy and then the holiday season hit. But here is what has been going on for the past month:

Home Study:  We have completed all three parts of the home study.  Both of us were pretty nervous about this part.  We were not told anything about what questions we would be asked.  Part one was at our house and we were interviewed together.  We talked about general things.  Some of the topics were, why we want to be parents, how we feel about adoption, how our family feels about things and then an overview of our family and home life.  Also, the social worker toured the home and checked for safety issues.  We had to make sure we have a fire extinguisher, the medicine is out of reach of a child, etc.  Once we met our social worker we felt at easy and very comfortable with her.  She did a great job of explaining everything to us.

Part two of the home study:  We met at the Bethany office and Brett and I were interviewed separately.  This time we went into detail about our childhood and teenage years.  We talked about our goals/dreams  and our strengths and weaknesses.

Part three of the home study:  We met back at our home and this time we talked in detail about our marriage. We shared how we met and fell in love.  We also talked about how we resolve conflict and share chores.  This was my favorite part of the home study.  I have a wonderful husband and I loved bragging on him!

Over all the home study was not bad at all.  But anyone would be nervous about having your life "inspected".  I will say that it was very emotionally draining.  After each part I just felt wiped out.  We are waiting for a supervisor to read over and sign off on the official home study report.  This should happen shortly after the new year.  Next we need to finish our profile book and get it printed.  Then we will just be waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part of this process!  I have all kinds of emotions swirling around right now.  The Lord is working on my heart and mind and I am having to trust Him.  I know there is plan in all of this and we will trust and wait for the right child at the right time.

Home Study - Part 1

We are working with a social worker at Bethany to schedule the first part of our home study.  It is looking like it will be some time next week.  We are ready to get started on this, but I am still nervous.

In the mean time we are taking some vacation time to celebrate our 3rd anniversary.  We are looking forward to several days of rest and relaxation.  And I hope to get a lot of sewing done!

Getting ready for the home study

We have finished our 3 on-line classes.  We are just waiting to schedule the interviews and home study.  I am pretty nervous about this part of the process.  Everyone tells us not to worry that we will do great, but you have to admit that it is intimidating for someone to take an up close and personal look at your life and home.

Big shout out and thanks to my cousin, Desi.  She and her two kids came on Monday and helped me clean the house.  It was a huge help to have someone there to motivate me and keep me on track.  It seems like such a big job, but she made it easy!  Now, if we can keep it clean . . . .

November - National Adoption Month

International adoption is a big part of the adoption puzzle.  International adoption often takes much longer than domestic adoption and is often much more expensive.  There is a lot of red tape when working with another country's government and regulations.  It is also very common for children who are adopted from over seas to be older (not an infant).  They face the challenges of learning a new language and culture.

Will you pray for children overseas who are waiting for a family?  Pray that they will find a family quickly, that red tape will not be a problem, that language skills will come quickly.  Pray for God's love to surround them while they wait for their forever family.

We are all wanted, we are all loved by some one