One of the big challenges we have faced in the adoption
process is misinformation, myths, and general lack of knowledge about adoption. We have tried to help educate and correct the
misinformation as we have come across it.
I personally have not always handled these conversations with kindness
and grace and I am very sorry for that.
I am working hard to keep the emotions in check and share with a gentle
spirit.
So, in an effort to help our friends and family understand
more about this process I going to do some Adoption 101 posts. First, let me say that I am NOT an
expert. We have only been on this
journey for a year and there others out there with so much more experience and
knowledge. Second, let me say that everything
is filtered by our personal experiences.
I want to start with a vocabulary lesson. Do you remember the saying, “Sticks and
stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Well it is a lie! Words can hurt. Words can wound. Words can leave deep, lasting scars. Words can also heal, sooth, bring peace, and
give comfort. There are many words
associated with adoption that are now outdated.
These “old” words and phrases could now hurt and cause pain to adoptive
families. I read a great article in
Lifelines (a magazine for adoptive parents) that shared a list of outdated
words. Here are some that really hit
home with me.
Rather than saying….. We
suggest……
Real parents Birthparents,
Birthmother, or Birthfather
Natural parents Biological
parent(s)
Unwed mother Single
parent
Unwanted pregnancy Unplanned
or unintended pregnancy
Put up for adoption Make
and adoption plan
Give up for adoption Choose
adoption
Keep a child Parent
a child
Real child Birthchild
or Biological child
Foreign adoptions International
adoption
Find parents Search
for birthparents
Your words have meaning a value to them. What words you choose to say will show how
supportive you are or are not of adoption.
If you have used some of these outdated words/phrases, don’t feel
bad. We understand that there is a huge
lack of education about this subject.
But if you are kindly and gently corrected, please be respectful to the
adoptive family who is making the correction.
Choose to use words that heal, sooth, bring peace and give comfort.
Lessons that I have learned:
I would like to try to end each post with a lesson that I
have learned. I know that my posts will
start to sound like a huge pity party and I want to try to keep those feelings
in check. Sharing what lessons I have
learned will hopefully keep me humble and attempt to keep things in
perspective.
My words can hurt or heal others. I have a broken heart as I realize how many
times my words must have hurt someone. I
have become more aware of what words I choose and what tone of voice I say them
in. I pray for forgiveness from those
that I have hurt and I pray for wisdom and guidance to not hurt others. My prayer is that I always be willing to
learn from my mistakes and be open to correction.
Ephesians 4:32 (The Message)
Make a clean
break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another,
sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ
forgave you.
