Adoption 101: A Vocabulary Lesson

One of the big challenges we have faced in the adoption process is misinformation, myths, and general lack of knowledge about adoption.  We have tried to help educate and correct the misinformation as we have come across it.  I personally have not always handled these conversations with kindness and grace and I am very sorry for that.  I am working hard to keep the emotions in check and share with a gentle spirit. 

So, in an effort to help our friends and family understand more about this process I going to do some Adoption 101 posts.  First, let me say that I am NOT an expert.  We have only been on this journey for a year and there others out there with so much more experience and knowledge.  Second, let me say that everything is filtered by our personal experiences.

I want to start with a vocabulary lesson.  Do you remember the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  Well it is a lie!  Words can hurt.  Words can wound.  Words can leave deep, lasting scars.  Words can also heal, sooth, bring peace, and give comfort.  There are many words associated with adoption that are now outdated.  These “old” words and phrases could now hurt and cause pain to adoptive families.  I read a great article in Lifelines (a magazine for adoptive parents) that shared a list of outdated words.  Here are some that really hit home with me.

Rather than saying…..                           We suggest……

Real parents                                         Birthparents, Birthmother, or Birthfather

Natural parents                         Biological parent(s)

Unwed mother                                      Single parent

Unwanted pregnancy                            Unplanned or unintended pregnancy

Put up for adoption                               Make and adoption plan

Give up for adoption                             Choose adoption

Keep a child                                         Parent a child

Real child                                             Birthchild or Biological child

Foreign adoptions                                 International adoption

Find parents                                         Search for birthparents

Your words have meaning a value to them.  What words you choose to say will show how supportive you are or are not of adoption.  If you have used some of these outdated words/phrases, don’t feel bad.  We understand that there is a huge lack of education about this subject.  But if you are kindly and gently corrected, please be respectful to the adoptive family who is making the correction.  Choose to use words that heal, sooth, bring peace and give comfort.

Lessons that I have learned:

I would like to try to end each post with a lesson that I have learned.  I know that my posts will start to sound like a huge pity party and I want to try to keep those feelings in check.  Sharing what lessons I have learned will hopefully keep me humble and attempt to keep things in perspective.

My words can hurt or heal others.  I have a broken heart as I realize how many times my words must have hurt someone.  I have become more aware of what words I choose and what tone of voice I say them in.  I pray for forgiveness from those that I have hurt and I pray for wisdom and guidance to not hurt others.  My prayer is that I always be willing to learn from my mistakes and be open to correction.

Ephesians 4:32 (The Message)

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.