The next chapter in our story

Three weeks ago our son, Jack, was born. We were blessed to be able to spend some precious time with him over two days. Hours before we were to bring him home the birth mom changed her mind and chose to keep him. We are so thankful for our family and friends who have shown their love and support to us. We will continue on our journey towards adoption, but now we are grieving the loss of our son. We are trusting the Lord has a plan in all of this.

Adoption 101: A Vocabulary Lesson

One of the big challenges we have faced in the adoption process is misinformation, myths, and general lack of knowledge about adoption.  We have tried to help educate and correct the misinformation as we have come across it.  I personally have not always handled these conversations with kindness and grace and I am very sorry for that.  I am working hard to keep the emotions in check and share with a gentle spirit. 

So, in an effort to help our friends and family understand more about this process I going to do some Adoption 101 posts.  First, let me say that I am NOT an expert.  We have only been on this journey for a year and there others out there with so much more experience and knowledge.  Second, let me say that everything is filtered by our personal experiences.

I want to start with a vocabulary lesson.  Do you remember the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  Well it is a lie!  Words can hurt.  Words can wound.  Words can leave deep, lasting scars.  Words can also heal, sooth, bring peace, and give comfort.  There are many words associated with adoption that are now outdated.  These “old” words and phrases could now hurt and cause pain to adoptive families.  I read a great article in Lifelines (a magazine for adoptive parents) that shared a list of outdated words.  Here are some that really hit home with me.

Rather than saying…..                           We suggest……

Real parents                                         Birthparents, Birthmother, or Birthfather

Natural parents                         Biological parent(s)

Unwed mother                                      Single parent

Unwanted pregnancy                            Unplanned or unintended pregnancy

Put up for adoption                               Make and adoption plan

Give up for adoption                             Choose adoption

Keep a child                                         Parent a child

Real child                                             Birthchild or Biological child

Foreign adoptions                                 International adoption

Find parents                                         Search for birthparents

Your words have meaning a value to them.  What words you choose to say will show how supportive you are or are not of adoption.  If you have used some of these outdated words/phrases, don’t feel bad.  We understand that there is a huge lack of education about this subject.  But if you are kindly and gently corrected, please be respectful to the adoptive family who is making the correction.  Choose to use words that heal, sooth, bring peace and give comfort.

Lessons that I have learned:

I would like to try to end each post with a lesson that I have learned.  I know that my posts will start to sound like a huge pity party and I want to try to keep those feelings in check.  Sharing what lessons I have learned will hopefully keep me humble and attempt to keep things in perspective.

My words can hurt or heal others.  I have a broken heart as I realize how many times my words must have hurt someone.  I have become more aware of what words I choose and what tone of voice I say them in.  I pray for forgiveness from those that I have hurt and I pray for wisdom and guidance to not hurt others.  My prayer is that I always be willing to learn from my mistakes and be open to correction.

Ephesians 4:32 (The Message)

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

Just waiting.....

I have been so encouraged over the past few days by the kind words that so many of you have shared with us.  It means more that I could express to hear that people are praying for us and are "in our corner".  


Several of you have said how excited you are to hear the next part of our story.  So I just wanted to give a quick update about our current status, which is ----- waiting -----.  We have not been picked by a birth mother and we do not have a baby yet.  Believe me, when that happens you will hear me shouting for joy and telling everyone!  


As of today we have had six birth mothers look at our profile book.  We are left with a lot of questions about why no one has picked us yet.  There is a huge battle in my mind and the devil is really good at twisting things and using them to attack me.  Each time a birth mother is going to look at our book we are filled with hope and anticipation.  Then when we are not picked we are let down and feel rejected.  It is terrible roller coaster of emotions and to be honest I am ready to get off this ride!


It was especially hard to hear that number five and six didn't pick us.  We learned about these birth mothers on the same day.  This is a pretty rare thing to have two birth mothers on the same day, so far we have been averaging one birth mother opportunity a month.  So when we got the news that neither of them had picked us, it was really discouraging.  (If you don't understand about how we hear about a birth mother, don't worry.  I plan on doing a post later on about how that all works.)


A sweet friend reminded me again to day to trust the Lord and his timing.  And our pastor has been reminding us for the past several weeks that, "when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart".  This verse has been such a comfort.  I don't understand why we have not been chosen yet, but God does.  I do understand and trust that He has a plan.  And for now that is what I will cling to.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,” 
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Our Adoption Story: Chapter 2

The next part of our story is a happy chapter!  Brett and I filled out the first form for Bethany Christian Services and we were invited to the quarterly information meeting.  It really was a blessing from God that we turned in this paper work when we did.  The meeting was just three days away!  If we had waited one more week we would have had to wait another three months till the next info meeting.

The info meeting gave us so much to think about and process, but it didn't slow us down.  We requested the big packet of paperwork from Bethany and we were officially stated with the adoption process!  We couldn't wait to start telling family and friends.

There was such joy and happiness.  We felt so confident in this decision and had such clear direction from the Lord.  We felt that we would be picked by a birth mother quickly and move on to being parents.  We just knew that those in our life would feel the same way and we would blissfully walk down this path.

I can imagine this period of time would be a lot like when a couple finds out they are pregnant but haven't told family or friends.  They are giddy with excitement and share this special secret.

Chapter 2 was a pretty short chapter.  As soon as we started sharing with family and friends about our plans we were meet with resistance.  We quickly moved into Chapter 3 which is not a very happy chapter.  It is filled with questions, waiting, anger, more questions, and tough conversations.  I feel that we are still currently in Chapter 3.  My hope is to share in as much detail as possible what this part of the journey looks like for us.

I have three goals is sharing:
1) Help me process my thoughts and feelings.
2) Help friends and family understand more about infertility and adoption and in the process.
3) Encourage other families who are walking down this path or will some day walk this path.

I am sure that as I share it will sound like one big pity party.  It is certainly not going to be very pretty.  But I want to make one thing clear - God is the one who is writing this story!  There is sadness and hurt in this story, but we know there will be joy and happiness too.  This process is not just about us expanding our family and adopting a child.  This process is all about us becoming more Christ-like.  Our faith has been tested and has grown so much.  When God needs to clear out some of the bad stuff in your life to make room for the good stuff, it is not easy!

How did we get here?

Some days I stop and think how in the world did we get here?  So many times we have heard, “God will write your adoption story.”  We don’t know how our story will end, but we can already see how God is the Author who is writing this story.

But I want to share “Chapter One” and talk about how this crazy adventure began.  There are several reasons for wanting to share.  First, I think that it is important to remember this part of the journey (even if it is a hard to share).  Second, I read a lot of stories, blogs, Facebook posts, etc about adoption and infertility.  Reading other people’s stories helped me understand what was going on and really helped Brett and I make our decision to adopt.  I pray that some one might read this part of my story and it will bless them.

*****Disclaimer******* This is a public blog.  There is a need to use caution in what details I share.  So forgive me for not giving every tiny detail.  If you have questions, I am happy to talk over email or some other private communication.

So…… it starts in high school.  I had some female issues, but didn’t think much about it.  These issues were kinda off and on and nothing really major.  It continued thru college and the issues increased some, but not enough to really alarm me.

In grad school the issues became enough of a problem that I needed to see a Doctor. At that time the Doctor was able to address my issues and helped to regulate things.  He also told me that it was very likely that I would have trouble getting pregnant.  I understood this, but I didn’t really effect my life and the time.  I wasn’t married or engaged or even dating any one at the time.  My doctor is a wonderful, Christian man.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, “ I have quit telling people the can or can not get pregnant.  God is in control of that and He can do anything He wants to.”

Brett and I start dating and we can see that things are getting serious.  I share with him about this part of my life.  I want him to know that there was a chance that I could not get pregnant.  I also wanted to know if he would be open to adoption.  My heart was already open to adoption.  In fact, I have had a place in my heart for adoption for as long as I can remember (but that is another post).  Brett thought and prayed about it and he was ok with adoption and our relationship moved forward.

After about two years of marriage we decided to start trying.  I was very eager to start because I knew there might be issues.  I was expecting most of my issues to be physical, so I was in for surprise when my emotions and moods went crazy too.  Again, because this is a public blog, I don’t feel comfortable sharing all the details about this time in my life.  But the short version is that things were not right physically and emotionally.  I went back to my doctor to try to find out what was going on.

My doctor was so patience to listen to me.  We talked thru the issues and what some of the options were.  We choose to use something to help level out my mood swings.  There are risks involved with this and Brett and I were both aware of this.  After about two months I could tell my mood swings were not so bad, but I just didn’t feel like myself.  Also, things were continuing to get worse with the physical stuff.  There are all kinds of books, web sites, and apps to help you track things to increase your chances of getting pregnant.  We had been doing this and we could tell things were not right.

So after 1 year of trying we went back to my Doctor.  He looked at my charts and tracking data.  We did some tests and talked with him about all the options.  Brett and I had already been talking about fertility treatments.  During this time I had been doing a lot of research and reading other people’s stories.  We never felt a peace about fertility treatments.  There is a list of reasons why WE didn’t choose fertility treatments, this is what we felt was best for us.  If you are struggling with this issue I encourage you to learn as much as you can and pray for wisdom.  We know plenty of people who have chosen fertility treatments and have a child as a result.  Again, if you want to talk with me more about this I would love to!

OK, all that to say the Doctor laid out all the facts and we chose to not pursue fertility treatments and the next day we filled out the first form with Bethany Christian Services.  This is Chapter 1 of our adoption story.

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day.  Brett and I are so thankful for our wonderful mothers and grandmothers.  We are blessed to be celebrating with them this weekend.

However....  mother's day can be a hard day for a lot of people.  If you mother has passed away or is sick it can be hard.  If you have lost a relationship with your mother or if you relationship is tense it can be hard.  If you have lost a child, had a miscarriage, or are dealing with infertility, it can be hard.  If you are adopted or are a birth mother it can be hard.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but I just wanted to acknowledge that in the middle of celebrating there can be hurt.  So if you or someone you know might be having a hard time today, please know that I care.  I am praying for you and hope that the Lord's comfort will surround you.

Happy Birth Mother's Day

Today is birth mother's day.  It is always the day before mother's day.  I am so happy to add this special day to our family's traditions.  We have not been matched with a birth mother yet, but I already feel a strong connection to her.  I pray for our birth mother every day.  I have a deep respect and love for this woman.  She will always be a part of our family's life.

I encourage you to take a moment today and pray for all birth mothers.  They are strong women who have made a huge sacrifice for their children.  Pray that God will comfort them this weekend.  Their child will be on their mind all weekend long.