Long Time with no update

It has been over a month with out an update here on the blog.  Life just got busy and then the holiday season hit. But here is what has been going on for the past month:

Home Study:  We have completed all three parts of the home study.  Both of us were pretty nervous about this part.  We were not told anything about what questions we would be asked.  Part one was at our house and we were interviewed together.  We talked about general things.  Some of the topics were, why we want to be parents, how we feel about adoption, how our family feels about things and then an overview of our family and home life.  Also, the social worker toured the home and checked for safety issues.  We had to make sure we have a fire extinguisher, the medicine is out of reach of a child, etc.  Once we met our social worker we felt at easy and very comfortable with her.  She did a great job of explaining everything to us.

Part two of the home study:  We met at the Bethany office and Brett and I were interviewed separately.  This time we went into detail about our childhood and teenage years.  We talked about our goals/dreams  and our strengths and weaknesses.

Part three of the home study:  We met back at our home and this time we talked in detail about our marriage. We shared how we met and fell in love.  We also talked about how we resolve conflict and share chores.  This was my favorite part of the home study.  I have a wonderful husband and I loved bragging on him!

Over all the home study was not bad at all.  But anyone would be nervous about having your life "inspected".  I will say that it was very emotionally draining.  After each part I just felt wiped out.  We are waiting for a supervisor to read over and sign off on the official home study report.  This should happen shortly after the new year.  Next we need to finish our profile book and get it printed.  Then we will just be waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part of this process!  I have all kinds of emotions swirling around right now.  The Lord is working on my heart and mind and I am having to trust Him.  I know there is plan in all of this and we will trust and wait for the right child at the right time.

Home Study - Part 1

We are working with a social worker at Bethany to schedule the first part of our home study.  It is looking like it will be some time next week.  We are ready to get started on this, but I am still nervous.

In the mean time we are taking some vacation time to celebrate our 3rd anniversary.  We are looking forward to several days of rest and relaxation.  And I hope to get a lot of sewing done!

Getting ready for the home study

We have finished our 3 on-line classes.  We are just waiting to schedule the interviews and home study.  I am pretty nervous about this part of the process.  Everyone tells us not to worry that we will do great, but you have to admit that it is intimidating for someone to take an up close and personal look at your life and home.

Big shout out and thanks to my cousin, Desi.  She and her two kids came on Monday and helped me clean the house.  It was a huge help to have someone there to motivate me and keep me on track.  It seems like such a big job, but she made it easy!  Now, if we can keep it clean . . . .

November - National Adoption Month

International adoption is a big part of the adoption puzzle.  International adoption often takes much longer than domestic adoption and is often much more expensive.  There is a lot of red tape when working with another country's government and regulations.  It is also very common for children who are adopted from over seas to be older (not an infant).  They face the challenges of learning a new language and culture.

Will you pray for children overseas who are waiting for a family?  Pray that they will find a family quickly, that red tape will not be a problem, that language skills will come quickly.  Pray for God's love to surround them while they wait for their forever family.

We are all wanted, we are all loved by some one

Help a foster family

Yesterday I asked you to pray for kids in the foster system.  Today I want to challenge you help a foster family.  What can you do to help? Almost anything! Cook a meal, have a play date, provide school supplies, get a special toy. 

November - National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month.  I want to do what I can to help promote adoption in any way I can.  Brett and I have learned so much over the past few months.  We didn't know much about adoption before starting on this journey and we have gotten so many questions from friends and family.  I hope that you can learn something and that God will speak to your heart.

So what can you do about adoption?  God won't call every family to adopt and that is ok.  But it is clear in scripture that God calls everyone to love, to protect the innocent, and be a father to the fatherless.  So will you pray?  Today will you pray for the children in the foster care system?  These children have been separated from their parents.  There is so much hurt and pain in the lives of these children.  Pray for God's love to surround them today.

"Baby" steps

No big news on the adoption process, just some baby steps.  Our back ground check and reference letters all came back so we are moving on to the next part.  We will have three on-line training classes to take.  I don't really know what this will involve, but we are excited to learn more!

Also, we got our crib.  It is the crib that my brother and I used.  My mom has saved it all these years.  It is in really good condition and we have put it all back together and made sure it was safe to use. Brett is working on sanding a few spots and he is staining it a few shades darker.  I really love it!  I have started working on the bedding.  I have all the pieces cut out, I just need to start sewing.

Open Adoption

I know it has been a few days, but here is the last in the series about the three types of adoption.  Just a refresher, there are three types of adoption, Closed, Semi-Open and Open. 

Open Adoption is a relatively new concept.  For a long time adoption was very secretive and little to no information was exchanged between birth parents and adoptive families.  Over time we have learned that the lack of information does more harm than good.

An open adoption allows birthparents and adoptive families to exchange information openly and freely.  They often do this without the help of the adoption agency.  There can be face to face meeting, such as holidays, birthdays, trips to the park, etc.  There can be phone calls, emails, or letters exchanged between the two.  Open adoption also allow for birth grandparents to be involved in the child’s life.  It would take a lot of love, communication and cooperation to make an open adoption work.  But they are coming more and more common.  Brett and I are open to any open adoption, we will have to pray and seek the Lord’s guidance to see if this would be right for our family.

Here is what Bethany says in their adoption guide:

In an open adoption, children grow up knowing that they are loved by all of their family members: the parents who adopted them and the parents who gave them life.  Relationships that are open or have some degree of openness seem to give adoptive parents the best opportunity to answer their children’s questions most effectively and to share their children’s stories.  Parents and children involved in an open adoption communicate directly, without a third party. This plan allows both families to nurture their relationships as they naturally develop. Information is shared easily, questions are answered fully, and there is a greater understanding of the child’s history. We have found that children thrive when they have honest and accurate information about their birth and adoption stories.

Common elements:

•           The expectant parents meet prospective adoptive parents to confirm their selection.

•           The birth and adoptive families fully disclose identifying information.

•           There is usually ongoing contact during the pregnancy and birth as families build their relationship and develop trust with each other.

•           After placement, there is direct contact between families in person or by telephone, e-mail, or letters.

•           There is direct and ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families as the child grows up.

Discipline Policy

I had a friend ask about the discipline policy that we had to sign.  Here is a summary in my words: Bethany is licensed by the state of Arkansas and must comply with all laws, rules and regulations regarding adoption and foster care.  Many children in the foster care system have been physically abused.  Bethany ask that we not use corporal punishment with our foster child.  I am sure you are wondering - What foster child?  I thought you were adopting??   We are adopting, but for the first six months we will foster the child.  At the six month mark we go to court and legally adopt the child.  This process is set up mainly for older children.  The six month time period allows the child and the parents to make sure this is a good fit.  Because we are adopting and infant, there is not much need to make sure the baby will fit into our family.  But the processes is still there.

After the child is legally ours (at the six month mark) we are able to discipline the child in any way we choose.  Meaning we could spank if we choose to.  Of course if we are abusive to the child (which we won't be!) we would be at risk of loosing our child.  But that is the case for any child - adopted or not.  Brett and I were more than willing to sign this discipline policy.  There is no need to spank a six month, so that is not a problem!  Also, if we were adopting an older child who had been abused then we would not spank them.  We would choose other forms of discipline.

Here is portions of the discipline policy taken directly from Bethany:


Parental discipline of children is a Biblically mandated and essential part of the parent-child relationship. Discipline involves providing parental guidance and teaching of appropriate attitudes and behavior. Discipline will best help children develop relationships based on trust and will prepare them to be responsible adults if it is responsive to their individual needs and personality.

Discipline requires consistent and clear communication. It is a process that includes praise, encouragement, role modeling and redirecting as well as firm limit setting, withdrawal of privileges, verbal reprimand and corporal discipline.


Therefore the Bethany discipline policy includes two restrictions in the implementation of discipline to children who are under the legal jurisdiction of Bethany: The first is that Bethany is committed to comply
with the licensing regulations under which we operate. When the licensing regulations of the state overseeing Bethany’s services prohibits the use of corporal discipline of children in Bethany’s care, Bethany will abide by those regulations. Secondly, Bethany provides foster care and adoptive placements to many children who have been physically abused. Corporal discipline of these children in the aftermath of this experience may be a reminder of this abuse and could be traumatic to the point of being counter productive and is, therefore, not
acceptable for these children while in Bethany’s care.


Bethany does not have restrictions regarding corporal discipline after an adoption is legally complete. Discipline of children must take into account the specific needs of each child and the relationship of parents to their children. Because of the importance of the parent/child disciplinary relationship, the Bethany staff will
provide prospective Bethany foster and adoptive parents a copy of this policy, an educational presentation and resources on the topic of Biblical parental discipline.

Semi-Open Adoption

Today I want to share about the second kind of adoption, semi-open (there are three types: closed, semi-open, and open).  This is by far the most common type of adoption today.  The Bethany office in Little Rock says that over 90% of their adoptions last year were semi-open.  More than likely we will have a semi-open adoption, but we are willing to have a closed or open adoption. 

The advantage of a semi-open adoption is the exchange of information between the birth mom and the adoptive family.  Birth mom want to know that their child is safe, loved, healthy, growing and happy.  If they receive updates and pictures they are given the assurance that their child is ok.  We as an adoptive family would be happy to send these updates!  Bethany acts are the “middle man” in this process.  We send the updates, letters, pictures, etc to the Bethany office and they pass the information on to the birth mom.  In the same way we as an adoptive family have the comfort in knowing that we can receive information from the birth mom if we need to.  For example, if a medical condition arises, we would be able to ask questions thru Bethany and get information that would be helpful to the doctors. 

But the most important part would be that as our child grows up they will have some answers and information about their birth mom/dad.  We plan to tell our child/children they are adopted and we know they will have questions about their story.  Having letters, videos, pictures from their birth parents will help our child understand their story. 

The following is from Bethany’s adoption guide:

Semi-Open Adoption
The advantage of this arrangement is that both families have the opportunity to develop a relationship over time. A semi-open adoption gives everyone the freedom to communicate with the assistance of the agency. Levels of contact vary and are determined by the birth and adoptive families.  The greatest advantage of this plan lies in the sharing of information. A child’s adoption story continues beyond birth and questions can be answered as they arise. This adoption plan can be very appropriate for birthparents who feel unable to have a more involved relationship.

Common elements:

•           The expectant parents choose a family from written, non-identifying information and usually choose to meet the selected adoptive parents.

•           Birthparents and adoptive parents usually know each other by their first names and may exchange full names.

•           Post-placement meetings are arranged and may be supervised by a third party.

•           Adoptive parents and birthparents share pictures and letters and may include gifts, videos, etc.

•           An agency or third party mediates the contact between the parties before and after the birth.

Who is that kitty in the mirror?

Poor Boots, he is not the smartest kitty.  He was very confused by the other kitty.

Three types of adoption

The most common question we have gotten about the adoption process is will the birth mom have contact with us after the adoption.  The short answer to that question is – I don’t know.  This will all depend on what type of adoption we are a part of.  There are three types, Open, Semi-Open, and Confidential (aka Closed).  Over there next few days I am going to try to explain the differences between these three types of adoption.

Brett and I are open to an open, semi-open or closed adoption.  We will work this out with the birth mom.  We will both have to come to an agreement before the adoption happens.  Bethany will help both the birth mom and us work thru the details of this process.

CLOSED ADOPTION

In the past almost all adoptions were closed.  A common situation would be - a young girl would get pregnant and be sent to stay with an aunt or friend out of town.  She would have the baby and it would be given to a family.  She would know very little if anything about her baby and the family who adopted it.  It was not uncommon for the birth mom to not even know if she had a boy or girl.  The adoptive families would often not tell their children that they were adopted.  This was not always the best situation.  It would lead to many questions later in life and often cause heartache.  Closed adoptions are becoming less common.  It is believed that it is healthier for there to be some exchange of information on both sides.

The following is taken directly from Bethany’s Adoption Guide:

In most states, total confidentiality is legally provided for birthparents and adoptive parents who desire this type of adoption plan.  For a variety of reasons, some birthparents

feel compelled to keep their pregnancy and adoption plan a secret and find that a closed

adoption allows them the security that they believe they need.  In this form of adoption, there is no ongoing exchange of information. However, there are exceptions such as a court-ordered exchange in the case of medical emergency. As an adoptive child grows, he or she may have questions that remain unanswered. Confidential adoptions make it difficult to gain needed information.

Common elements of a confidential adoption are

•           Expectant parents may request that the agency choose the adoptive family.

•           Birth and adoptive parents do not disclose identifying information.

•           The adoptive family receives non-identifying information, including the child’s medical and social history. There is not a planned, ongoing sharing of medical or social information.

•           There is no contact between the adoptive family and the birth family after placement.

•           Access to finding a birthparent is limited by law. The adult child seeking contact with a birthparent should first contact the state’s central adoption registry or the placing

agency.

Yes it really was 160 pages of paper work!

We really did turn in 160 pages of paper work last week.  You might be wondering what in the world would make up 160 pages . . . . well here is a little of what we had to turn in.

* Monthly budget
* Checking account statements
* Savings account statements
* Retirement account statements
* Copy of credit card statements
* Copy of mortgage statements
* Copy of last year's tax return
* Copy of car insurance policy
* Copy of home owner's insurance policy
* Copy of birth certificates, marriage licence, and social security cards
* 6 references
* Employment records for your past three jobs
* Family history/relationship questionnaire that was about 20 pages long
* Physical exam and release of all medical records
* Permission to do a background check
* Agreement to a discipline policy
* And one of the most important parts was what type of child we would like.  We had to indicate if we wanted a boy or a girl, which race, any physical handicaps, any mental handicaps, and any health issues.  Right now we are open to everything.  We don't want to close the door to any child at this point.  We would like to learn as much about a child and their situation.

So there you go - that is a list of almost everything we had to turn in.  We are glad to have this part behind us.  It was a challenge to get all those details pulled together.

Several times in the process of the paper work Brett and I would joke that to have a your own child you don't have to fill out any forms.  It make us think that it might not be a bad idea for some people to have to do a little paper work before they have a child!

Bedding for the baby's room

I ordered the material for the baby's room.  It was hard to pick something out.  Because we don't know if we will get a boy or girl I needed to pick something neutral.  Right now we are planning on keeping the full size bed that is in the baby's room there.  It will be helpful for those midnight feedings! So I am going to make a new bed covering, crib skirt, bummper pads, and a curtain for the window.   Here are the fabrics I choose.  I won't use the really girly or boyish ones.  It has dragon flies, lady bugs, frogs, flowers, dots, wiggles, and is super cute.  I really think it can be for a boy or girl and will work for them as they get older too.